she lives for the written word and people come second or possibly third

i've just about decided to give up trying to write anything for a long long time.

i was just listening to a little morrissey and it dawned on me: i AM the girl least likely to. i've never considered myself to be a writer, but when i do write i try hard.

nonetheless
i cannot deny this: "...the moods and the styles too frequently change from 21 to 25, from 25 to 29"

and people are continually reacting in this way: "And there is no style, but I say 'well done' To the Girl Least Likely To. Oh, deep in my heart, how I wish I was wrong, but deep in my heart, I know I am not and there's enough gloom in her world, I'm certain without my contribution... I sit and support with a dutiful smile because there's nothing I can say."

How many times have I been around ?
Recycled papers paving the ground
Well, she lives for the written word
And people come second, or possibly third

And there is no style, but I say "well done"
To the Girl Least Likely To
Oh, deep in my heart, how I wish I was wrong
But deep in my heart, I know I am not
And there's enough gloom in her world, I'm certain
Without my contribution

So I sit, and I smile, and I say "well done"
To the Girl Least Likely To
Page after page of sniping rage
An English singe or an American tinge
"There's a publisher," she said, "...in the new year"
(It's never in this year)

I do think this, but I can't admit it
To the Girl Least Likely To
So one more song with no technique
One more song which seems all wrong ...
And oh, the news is bad again
See me as I am again

And the scales of justice sway one way
In the rooms of Those Least Likely To
Oh, deep in my heart, how I want to be wrong
But the moods and the styles too frequently change
From 21 to 25, from 25 to 29

And I sit, and I smile, and I say "well done"
To the Girl Least Likely To
Oh, one more song about The Queen
Or standing around the shops with thieves
"But somebody's got to make it !" she screams
"So why why can't it be me ?"
But she would die if we heard her sing from the heart
Which is hurt

So how many times will I shed a tear ?
And another stage of verse to cheer
When you shine in the public eye, my dear
Please remember these nights
When I sit and support with a dutiful smile
Because there's nothing I can say
So chucking, churning, and turning the knife
On everything (except their own life)
And a clock somewhere strikes midnight
And an explanation - it drains me
If only there could be a way

There is a different mood all over the world
A different youth, unfamiliar views
And dearest, it could all be for you
So will you come down and I'll meet you ?
And with no more poems, with nothing to hear
Oh darling, it's all for you...
Darling, it's all for you ...
Oh darling, it's all for you ...

learn to think before you speak and you just might make a point

i don't rightly know if you'd call it a retraction, but in fairness to marijeta, margarita and marcela (something about being in my class means your name has to begin with an 'm') they didn't ditch class. apparently they tried to come and couldn't get in and no one was there. which is interesting considering that both my boss and i were there wondering where the students were. i felt awful. especially because i had been so indignant.

what does it say about me that i'm loving life in general this week? (as in the mxpx album)
i'm reminiscing about old times, my angry teenage days and that one tri when liz and i were in orchestra together and she decided she would be the bassist and leave the violining to elaina. remember when we would stay up all night in that freezing basement and liz would tell me that she'd "went to school and did [her] time..in a sense [she's] out in a sense [she's] free.." because she was a senior? nice.

so you wanna get me a job at the library? thanks.

fox

president fox, that is.
also, there's a fox in the book i'm supposed to be reading but don't want to exactly because carlos came in early.

you see, the president of mexico is in town. so not one of my intermediate students has shown up. i'm actually kind of offended. if they'd asked for permission, i would've given it, but they didn't even ask! and what about marijeta? she's not mexican! she's bosnian!

so i've been sitting around and (if you can believe it) being relatively productive. normally i would be glad to have an unexpected break, but today i spent all my lunch hours preparing a detailed schedule of how we're going to finish the book before i go out of town, and now we're already behind! i went to the library for goodness sake! i have three copies of goldilocks and the three bears sitting on my desk. and not one student. i've half a mind to just stick to my schedule. but then they'd all fail and it would defeat the purpose of finishing the book in time for them to pass the test and transition into the advanced class.

grrr.

huzzah for ska!

she let me keep the class!!!
i'm going to have ken email me his notes and then email my comments to p.j.
the paper will still be due the monday i'm back, but i don't care. i'm gonna rock that thing.
plus, i'll have the whole famn damily to help me, captive on the beach.

sweet. just thought i'd let you know.

rock that candy shop

i've never been fond of the brighton bank on highland. i never had negative feelings for it either. i just never thought about it.
today it said this to me:
4:10
84
4:10
84

and so on for a whole minute. totally made my day.

have a happy fuzzy day!
jo

then bang, crash the lightning flashed...

something happened to the internet at work. it was scary and i couldn't fix it.

did you see it? did you? did you? "3:27 90 deg."

that's all i have for today. school is school. i like it. i hope they don't kick me out.

pray for me to at least get an interview for the library job.

there's some serious tension in the computer lab. i can't figure out how well these two know each other. she's being a total old lady, but is he the staff help? cause he's NOT being helpful. like not at all. he's walking away from her. true, she won't give him a straight answer about what is going wrong and when it even happened, but like, pretend to be patient, man!

anyway. i'm wishing i'd stopped at curry in a hurry on the way home. it's too late and too far to go now, but i don't want to cook. oh well.

have a good night.
ciao.

ghosts

let's talk about how much i love my roommates.
yesterday was my last day at CAIL.
it was sad. i liked that job a lot. it was an interesting job. it was a cool building.
when i went home after teaching, i told my roommates that i had always wanted to go in the cellar and up the back stairs but i had never done it. and now i was no longer an employee and i had to turn in my keys today.
the shows were over and we were halfway through the news. i assumed my roommates would laugh, express condolances and say goodnight (they go to bed early). instead, ashley said, "let's go." i asked if she was serious and she replied, "yeah. i mean, what else are we gonna do?" valerie was in instantly, lindsey took some coaxing. (for some reason "fort douglas is haunted" has become a theme in our house. lindsey doesn't like ghosts or scary things. i don't either, but i pull out my practical skepticism. ) finally we convince her and we head out.
i know it's ok, we're not doing anything bad, but i still feel nervous. i rush them through the office. we go upstairs, look around and head into the cellar. i'm the most freaked out of anyone. quick peek and back outside. suddenly linds is running, looking over and over her shoulder. "it's like the lady in white!" still, i felt good. i felt complete and at peace with my short stint at CAIL.
i've never had anyone in my car on my late night drives before. i figured i should probably head straight home, but i took the long way around campus first anyway. valerie starts talking about her old house. linds from the back says "let's go. i'm loving this area and i'm liking the music." i was surprised and pleased. we went up into the avenues and around the city creek loop to valerie's old house, through the marmalade district and home through the city.
it was, as valerie said, a beginning of a new era for me. i still got to drive and listen and think and be enchanted, but there wasn't the bittersweet wish that i had someone to share it with. they were all there. it was lovely.
i had school today so we did head home. then i had hot chocolate and we chatted for a minute before they headed upstairs. lindsey walked away saying, "i loved that. we'll have to go ghost hunting again. next time the cemetery." i laughed.
i love my roommates.

post-bacc.

they always have to explain to ignorant and short sighted high school students why the ceremony is called "commencement" when you are commemorating the conclusion of an era of academic endeavor.

i know the ceremonies were 10 days ago, but today is really better for me.

at graduation (mostly convocation and not commencement so much) i thought about how fitting the name truly was.
we love the pagentry


we really do, my dad and i,

but that wasn't the only reason i ended up extremely grateful to allison for encouraging me to participate.

having finished school last year, the cermonies were not so pertinent to my concluded efforts as linguistics major as they were to my upcoming attempt at an english degree. the idea of a new beginning had never been so clear to me so i made some decisions about my future.

i watched as the professors excitedly awaited their students. even i got a hearty handshake. and i resolved to get to know my professors this time around.

i listened as they described involved students and as my peers cheered each other on as i felt like an outsider and i resolved to meet my fellows in my major field of study.

i watched as the people with summa cum laude wore braided cords around their necks and i resolved to get a perfect gpa for next year.

my sister recently started her college career. she has yet to declare a major. we laughed that she should choose her major based on the color of the tassel she would wear when she graduated. it was a joke. of course it was. really, if i had done that, i would've been an engineering major. (i do feel a little jipped that they give liberal arts a white tassel, but i suppose it is a classic color that goes with anything.)

i have never wanted a master's or doctorate degree before. never. i like school. i love school. i plan to attend school for the rest of my life. but graduate degrees seem like too much work. how could i ever choose something to study? something to research? i'm a spectator. a listener.
i'm not ambitious.

i had basically decided to get the masters'. it's the only way to legitimize having two bachelor's degrees.

but as i watched everybody walking around with their fancy hoods and velvet sleeves, i made a crucial decision: i won't stop until i have a doctorate. a master's hood looks like a poser's hood. it's not really that much cooler than a bachelor's degree. and we all know that bachelors are boring.

now, i still have to decide what to get my doctorate in. i suppose i can't really escape the blue hood (i definitely don't want a green one. sorry, dad.) but i have to choose my university carefully. in all honesty, the red sleeves was kind of scary. flamboyant and interesting, but scary. harvard was a little much, but do think i want a university that will give me the poofy hat instead of that ridiculous mortar board which stayed on until it was my turn to walk down the stairs and the hat straightener had to spend a good minute with me and finally just said, don't move too much for right now.
i'll have to ask dr. matheson tuesday where he got his from (see the touching moment with my dad, above.) it was awesome. or those purple ones (sorry it's kind of dark)

this whole thing, though, is just to tell you that i'm moving on to bigger and, if not better, at least crazier, things. so i won't be HERE everyday. maybe once a week to maintain this life and some semblance of sanity. but you will be henceforth spared my daily ruminations which will be devoted to another endeavor.

todsy is my first day of classes. wish me luck!

and for my mummy:

here i'm concerned because my hat is about to blow off.


papa y yo


ah parents. (nothing like looking at pictures to make you shiver
...and get a hair cut.)

for you

it may be a cliche, but...
the marker board. you can't escape it, so embrace it.
in the prov it gets constant use. here in salt lake, it's more sparse. but when it is used, it's always worthwhile.
a while back i received this message:

and then i came home one night to find this: immediately i fell in love with my roommates all over again.

friday i didn't go to work, i went to the library. i spent the weekend babysitting katie ann and emily. i'm not a babysitter. i fear children. they're nice, but i've no skill.
these girls pretty well took care of themselves. we flooded the sandbox and played on neverland beach. we made purses out of leaves and paper. it was all very fun.
however, it took up my entire weekend so i'm behind on my errands and my mothers' day gift of a vegetable garden will have to be belated.
have a great day!

dietrich knickerbocker

i'm just gonna revamp an old one since none of you have had a chance to comment yet (except for joey)

what personality traits do you associate with the following names?

• olivia loveless
  
• lydia chase
• olivia chase
  
• elizabeth lewis
• stephanie stevens
• melanie miller
• katherine 'katie' kingsly
• katie washington
• julia jones
• julia mann
• kristina allred
• nina largess

just wondering.

if you comment, i'll give you a prize!

...much longer now without any windows

i'm tired. i didn't write yesterday. i just absolutely didn't. usually i have something to say, but i just don't get around to it, or i can't get to a computer, but i had nothing to say. have nothing to say.
i'm tired. i have to write two tests. writing tests takes a lot out of me for some reason. it's almost worst than taking tests.
i have to get teaching on autopilot before i start school on monday. that's probably not going to happen. crap.
i'm tired. maybe mirta got me sick. she called in and said she had a fever so she couldn't come. i feel feverish. maybe i'm just thirsty. there's rennie with my water. i love rennie. have i asked before if you can be in love with so many people all at once?
i talked to joey today. she's a great one. saves my life on a daily basis.
i talked to al last night. at 1. she's a miracle. ditto. can you believe those two live in the same house?
i didn't talk to liza, but word on the street is she's moving back. hurrah for israel! (oh jens!)
i can't go to that concert with linds. i'm bummed. that would've been an AWESOME thing to do on the full moon. but i'm glad she's using the mixes.

and in ten minutes conversation practice will end and i have to pretend i'm not tired.


but i just realized that today is my birthday. that makes me feel better. and, did you know?, it's mexican mothers' day. so... celebrate, i guess.

bonus!

i was...well, we don't need to discuss what i was doing, but i found out some interesting information (which may or may not be reliable, but who's counting? if this isn't true, my joke isn't funny.):

• ICBM – an acronym for instant calm breath method, a way to overcome the flight-or-fight reflex (panic). Also reduces hyperventilation.
• ICBM - Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. Capable of international nuclear assaults from almost any range

i think those are dangerous things to get confused. maybe we should find a new way to talk about one of them.

rainy days and mondays always get me down

my mom suggested the title. i'm not actually down, but it does cut down on my energy...

the offer still stands. movie, tonight, 7. it's due tonight so we have to start right at 7 so we can get it in by 9 when the library closes.

i did watch a movie on saturday (i have 3). it was fun. i also made the pizza (sehr gut!) and broke ashley's mixer.
that stunk. she was way nice about it. ("it's really ok; i got it for free.") but i'm still buying her a new mixer. or if the bosch part that allison brought over (allison saves the day!) fits i'm going to buy her a new bosch part.

the movie was ok, until it got super violent and then froze. i didn't get to see the end so i have no closure.

yesterday i went to church, had a nap in the sunshine, had delicious dinner at the bon's went to hear president faust speak, and got home in time to catch the end of the dinner group roast with erin. she was the only one in the group that came. i have to say i'm disappointed in my ward. but we'll get 'em next time.

today is rainy so i can't go work in jan's garden. that stinks. maybe it'll clear up before i have to go to work...

if you are having problems logging in,

i found my phone.
well, my little brother found my phone. he almost ran it over with the lawn mower.
how it got on the grass is beyond me. but i'm glad it's back.

i kind of hate how lost i am without it, but at the same time, it's kind of like valerie's response to the cate brooks' question game question: "a telephone booth, because no matter where you are you can get in contact with anyone else, anywhere in the world. it's a symbol of instant communication and connection with people."

in all honesty i thought that was kind of a funny answer because who uses phone booths?

but, in terms of my cell phone, that's absolutely right. in practice i wasn't really cut off from anything; nobody called, (ok so SOME people called, but they were all trying to find the phone, not me.) but when i have it i feel empowered. like i can go anywhere and do anything and people can still find me. (or i can find them and ask things like, where the crap does jan live again?) it's the principle. the possibility. the potential. with a capital t that rhymes with p...

allison calls it the isolation of society. and that's true, i guess.
but i felt more isolated standing around waiting for my family with no way to find them and no way for them to find me than i do when i'm too shy to talk to the person next to me.

(but being shy can still stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. so i work on that.)

anyway. weirdness. um, it's saturday. i didn't go to the institute, i did go to jan's.

wanna come over for pizza (good, handmade, with the best crust recipe EVER, pizza) and a movie? ok. see you at my place at 7-ish.

cinco de mayo

[click]

i told you i'd send it to you.
convocation was way more fun than i'd anticipated.

have you seen my phone? i'd really like to find it. please?

backstop

oh goodness. i'm having more fun than you'd believe. learning new words is great. ask joey.

keep commenting on that last one. seriously. it's important. "Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

but in other news.
this was supposed to be entitled "the best laid plans" and i was going to explain why i told you to "look out for tomorrow" and then didn't post and what those "big plans" were and why they fell through.

minutes after i wrote that post i checked my email and discovered that the funding had run out on my job at CAIL and i would be back on the job hunt starting may 15.
the 3-hour nervous breakdown that this triggered (but probably didn't cause) set me back a bit in my homework. and contemplating the impending expiry of my supplemental income as i sat in my car outside graywhale literally holding the dime for the parking meter in my hand, i decided to pass on the pretty girls make graves concert and go home. it was wisdom. i can see that now.
but i have a fear of walking in to new places alone. related to, but stronger than, my fear of going to new places alone and in direct conflict with my enjoyment of new places and my secret relish for attending things alone.
"so," you may say, "this decision saved you from discovering the avalon alone. why the but?" well, here's the thing: i had recently confessed this fear to a number of less than helpful friends and one very encouraging one. my pride had steeled me against the fear and a well documented and adventurous venture entered the planning stages. i would work on my finals all day and reward myself by a night out with a camera and some people to show up.
so i was attached to the night out. that was the big plans: pictures of me busting in on the avalon.
as it turned out i used up almost an entire pad of paper and stayed up til 2 working on the dumb thing. i finished it the next morning. i actually feel ok about that one.
then i started my syntax final. why i had to wait until semantics was done i'll never know.
but having denied myself the pgmg i took myself to kilby. there i had a lovely time with cate and her cool mom. but got home late and tired.
so basically monday rolls around and nothing's written (the 20-pager is due tuesday...night...wednesday morning by 7) but i have all my data and a topic. should be good, right? wrong. by 11 (morning. remember the 24-hour clock, people; i'm not that bad), still nothing written but quite a bit more read. apparently i have picked for my syntax 2 paper a dissertation topic without a solution (seriously. i read the dissertation. it didn't help). so i decided to take a new course.
thank heaven for stacey. stacey says no. stacey says no says no to a lot of things, but stacey said yes to helping me. we talked it all out, i called in sick to work (shame and guilt for the rest of my life. i can't think about it.) and got it all done. by 2:30. time to spare. props to scott for the pdfs and my professor even emailed me back and said he hoped i would "consider coming back to us for graduate work." (i'm sorry. i just really have to tell people that cause i was so flattered. i know i'm bragging. but it's my blog, right? and i'm pretty much the only one who reads it, which is lame anyway since i write it, because it's boring and it's secret.)
anyway. with 3-4 hours of sleep under my belt i went to work, picked up my cap and gown (i have to be at school at 7:50. i'm not sure graduation is worth that), had lunch in the car with jenny, went to my other work, got home to "watch a movie and clean my room!", found out that while not letting yourself out of the house, not even to buy food, helps you get your finals in on-time, it cuts down on the amount of food in your house (and your sanity), went to the store, bought the food, came home, was too tired to make the food, ate some crispx (i totally splurged. they don't even have decent sized boxes, but valerie has some and i haven't eaten crispx in a million years and living on fruit loops is not fun. it's just not. i have never regretted buying a sugar cereal so much. ick. moving on.) and went to bed. got up early, did a 1/2 hour of work, got on trax, got on a bus, went to my old house, got my yeast back, went to lunch, went to the museum (very nice, i liked it), went to my parents' house, lost my phone, went to work and now you are up to date.
i'd like to rejoice in not having school for two weeks, but i'm still so busy. graduation tomorrow, cleaning the institute on sat (8? are they really serious about this?) and early church. not that i'm all about sleeping in, but it would be nice to have a chance. and i missed anna's wedding tonight. darn. oh. but cool thing: my aunt wants me to go over and help her plan her vegetable garden. i love gardens.
anyway. off to the other work (he wants it done by "friday" but i think he forgot that i'm graduating so i'm not going in to work. oh well. it's only 2 pages.)
goodnight.

oh. and the title has nothing to do with this.
...or anything. just ignore.




no... my eyes are not shifty.

word association

i'm still recovering, so let this suffice.

not a single one of these refers to a real person. keep that in mind.
what personality traits do you associate with the following names?

• olivia
• lydia
• elizabeth lewis
• stephanie stevens
• melanie miller
• katherine 'katie' kingsly
• katie washington
• julia jones
• julia johnson
• julia mann
• kristina allred
• nina largess

just wondering.
if you comment, i'll give you a prize!

...

Tomorrow
will it really come?
and if it does come
will I still be human?
All I ask of you
is one thing that
you never do
would you put your arms
around me
I won't tell anyone
Tomorrow
does it have to come?
All I ask of you
is one thing that
you'll never do
would you put our arms
around me
I won't tell anybody
Tomorrow
and what must come before
the pain in my arms
the pain in my legs
through my shiftless body
Tomorrow
it's surely nearer now
You don't think I'll make it
(I never said I wanted to
well, did I?)
the pain in my arms
the pain in my legs
through my shiftless body
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
All I ask of you
is would you tell me that you love me
tell me, tell me that you love me
tell me, tell me that you love me
tell me that you love me
I know you don't mean it
I know you don't mean it
tell me, tell me that you love me
tell me, tell me that you love me
tell me oh
tell me oh
tell me oh
tell me oh
tell me oh

_____________

He's a twentieth century boy, with his hands on the rails
Trying not to be sick again and holding on for tomorrow
London ice cracks on a seamless line, he's hanging on for dear life
So we hold each other tightly and hold on for tomorrow

Singing la la la la la la
Holding on for tomorrow

She's a twentieth century girl, with her hands on the wheel
Trying not to make him sick again, seeing what she can borrow

London's so nice back in your seamless rhymes,
but we're lost on the west way
So we hold each other tightly we can wait until tomorrow

Trying not to be sick again and holding on for tomorrow
She's a twentieth century girl hanging on for dear life
So we hold each other tightly and hold on for tomorrow

Jim stops and gets out of the car, goes to a house in emperor's gate, through the door and to his room, then he puts the TV on, turns it off and makes some tea, says modern life well, it’s rubbish, then Susan comes into the room, she's a naughty girl with a lovely smile and says let's take a drive to primrose hill it's windy there and the view is so nice, London ice can freeze your toes like anyone I suppose
you’re holding on for tomorrow

_____________

It breaks my heart it makes me sad
to think of all the times we had
You made me laugh and you make me cry
And all that I can do is sigh, and wonder why

How will I get through tomorrow
If I can't make it through today?
How will I get through tomorrow,
when today is in my way?
Today is in my way

What's done is done and in the past
good things come and go so fast
You looked up at me and said goodbye
All that I could do was sigh and wonder why

I deserve all that I get
serves me right I will admit
and today just won't go away

may day! may day!

happy may day!
take someone some flowers.
(i prefer potted plants or seedlings, but on may day any and all flowers are acceptable.)