while your life falls apart

i -um- don't know what to do with my life.
which is not to say that i'm sad in my life, i just feel like it's not figured out and is therefore temporary and therefore i have to keep thinking about what to do and i don't know what to do with my life.


patty griffin.
"the farther i come, the farther i fall. whatever i knew it was nothing at all. nothing at all. just making me small. smaller and smaller. i fall back."


i feel like maybe we should place bets on how long i can keep this up.
it's exhausting, but i'm surviving surprisingly well.
but it's insane.
and i got offered an almost real job that would most likely lead to a real job and i couldn't accept it because i work at the ups store. does that make any kind of sense at all? no. it doesn't. but that's how it goes.
i'm just going to tell myself that i would be too impatient with old people learning how to use computers.
i'm just going to tell myself that $8/hr is better than $16/hr because i can sit and do nothing (as long as no one wants to ship anything ever) and i get to see and, every once in a blue moon, work with my sister.
i'm just going to tell myself that there will be something else in january. (which is the date i'm tentatively trying to find one job instead of three.)

on second thought, i'm probably just not going to talk to myself about this at all for a while.


is giving yourself the silent treatment as juvenile as giving someone else the silent treatment?




in conclusion, i've been reading jana's blog, and i have some thoughts, but i have to get back to workingu.

up to zero

are you ever just tired of life?  i think that's such an ungrateful way to feel, but i feel it all the time.  just worn out and no hope of rest in sight.  

anyway.
it's friday and i don't have to work this saturday and it's viv's disco skating birthday so that'll be good.   wahoo for life.

drift gently into mental illness

i have lots of thinks to talk about, but i feel like they are all kind of half thought out and unprocessed.


...
can we talk about how i have a very symbolic house?
my windows look out on the alley and the university. i get to see hipsters and punks and college students.
kathryn's windows look out onto our nice quiet street. our industrious neighbors who fix up their old homes and yell at you if you park near their driveway.
from kathryn's windows you'd think we were all grown up and settled.
from my windows you'd be sure we were starving students just here for a minute.

my windows are more honest.
and really, i bet kathryn would trade rooms in a minute, despite her big windows. cause her windows don't have screens, the pigeons wake her up every morning and she hates the afternoon sun that bakes. (i love it. i spend any afternoon i can in her room.)


...
we're starting a jump rope team.
which is to say, we have a jump rope team. we have lots of members already. and we've had two practices. i kind of thought it was a joke, but i was completely willing, but people are super serious, so if you want to join, we're thinking thursday nights at the insit-ute.


...
no need to paginate actually plays music. who knew?

...
i work 3 jobs. did i mention that? it's crazy. like, i honestly cannot tell you how i'm alive right now. but i am, so i guess it works.



...
i like viv lots and gallons. she lets me play at her house and it's such fun.
ice cream also is good. and chit chatting. but that all amounts right back to viv, so i guess she's the perfect heading for this pseudo summary of thought patterns.



...
you're not the only choo-choo train that was left out in the rain the day after santa came.

miss alexandra chantal yvette mackenzie

i know what you were all thinking.
and i posted it that way just so you would think it, but,
no.

no young men have been smacking their chapsticked lips for me.
that last post was a quote from the lovely alex.
quite close to the last words i heard in her lovely british accent before she abandoned us all here for the comforts of her jersey home.

today is alex' birthday.
i think it's such a nice birthday.
9/9

isn't that nice and symmetrical?
she's a whole number!! she's complete.
and it's so true.
a flawless person if i've ever known one. (which i have, obviously: alex.)


it's not much of a birthday cake, but there's only so much you can do from across the atlantic.
so,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX!
many happy returns.

did i just turn down a chance to kiss miles?

that wasn't very sensible.