you can break my face, but you won't change the way i feel. cause i love you.

i learned something today at school.

no le gusta a jason leer este blog y por eso quizas esta bien admitir algo.
i'm something of a cheapskate. i like to think of it as frugality and most people will admit that i have good habits and manage my money well. i, at least, am debt free and moderately independent.
but, sometimes, it does border on mule-like stubbornness.
i don't drive to school. i don't pay for parking. to me, these are basics.

i haven't slept in a few days. even the days when i have slept it hasn't been much or well. life is stressful, but of my own making.
i have a paper due today. i have tried and tried to find adequate research, but apparently i'm the only person in the universe who finds my topic interesting. well, me and "jose_b" whose thesis i'm not sure counts for much.
i lost my assignment sheet so i've been trying to make assumptions based on previous papers and comments from my professor. those assumptions have led me to believe that i just do not have the strength or the will to write this paper due today at 2pm. according to assumptions based on previous papers, the length should be about 500 words.
i finally went to bed with 3 sentences written.

in another class there's an exam rather than a final paper (praise be) but we do have to turn in 4 response papers. these papers are in response to our attendance at two colloquia and participation in two experiments at the speech lab. i went to one colloquium, but slept through it despite sincere interest. i went to the student conference, maybe that will count? and i'll just about have to attend this friday. i tried last friday, but had to work because i had to reschedule guitar... it's a long story.
i feel like i can figure out the colloquia. but i, for whatever reason, have been daunted by the registration process for experiment participation. as more and more people eagerly exclaimed that this was the last week of school (full week) i became more and more panicked. then came an email saying i could talk to someone in class and get experiment credit. we agreed to meet at 8:30 before class.
i was on time. i was on time!
but then the phone rang so i was slow about getting dressed etc.
so i was rushed!
and i rushed out of the house. (i did think to take the garbage with me, though. something i usually forget.)
now it was 8:45 and i faced a 15-20 minute walk to class. which put me right on time for class, but out on my last chance for experiment credit and a flake in the estimation of a classmate in need. and a failure in my own eyes.
in desperation i reached for my keys.
only to find that they were not with me.
i started to tear up. i was not made for today. i could not cope. whom could i call for help? no one. i was stuck. do i just walk up to class and face the music? do i stay home and find a way in, missing appointments and class and work?
in a rare moment of clarity it occurred to me that there was a chance lilli was still inside. i walked to the front of the house and indeed her car was there, but the point of living where we live is to not use a car.
i knocked.
and knocked.
and knocked.
i reached for my phone to send out a complaint.
and remembered.
i have lilli's phone number.
so i called.
no answer.
knocked again.
the phone started to ring.
it was lilli.
asleep in bed.
i asked her to open the door.
she actually found my keys for me, on the shelf in the bathroom of all ridiculous places.
i made one last frantic search for my assignment sheet and left defeated and determined to give up.

i decided to take a chance.
i took my car.
i parked at the free 20 min. meter and decided to go home after the experiment and come to class late. i'm usually late anyway.
she was still there even though i was late. she apologized for being disorganized which made me feel much better.
i read my passages, surprising myself with how i was actually able to follow her directions (which included reading one passage as if i were talking to a baby) even if not very well.
i left my backpack as evidence that i had once been in class before it started and went to move my car.
i had started to feel a little calmer with at least one experiment under my belt (in the interest of drama i neglected to mention that i finally did sign up for another experiment and have that appointment next week) and i considered my options.
i don't pay for parking.
i just don't.
but...
the thing is...

the pay lot is one minute away from class.
my apartment is 20.
i was 10 minutes early for class.
10!
it's unheard of.
i had cash. i don't know why.
i never carry cash. perhaps it didn't belong to me...
but i had cash.
(oh.
i remember why. very legitimate.)
it would cost me $3 to park during class.
and suddenly.
i saw the light.
suddenly
it was worth it to me.
being on time and well-received in class was worth $3. i would've paid $5.
maybe.
$5 is a decent meal.
$3 is also a meal if you're smart, but that's not the point.
it was a dangerous epiphany
like the time i walked to the gas station across the street and bought milk. so convenient!
but i finally understood why people will pay for things.

i went back to class. found myself a seat near an outlet. opened bess and waited for class to begin.
as i reached in my backpack i had another epiphany. i remembered that i had used my assignment sheet as a bookmark in my chicano book as a clever way to consolidate the things i took to cincinnati.
i pulled it out. eagerly found today's date.
and read:

April 15th-- short paragraph containing a rough draft review of one of the references showing how that piece of literature is related to the topic/how it supports pursuing the topic. Use appropriate citation forms.

!!!
a paragraph?!
a SHORT paragraph??!

all those tears and agony for a paragraph?!!

so i'm not at work. (i DO regret this aspect of my character. knowing that my library boss will let things slide, i too often fudge my work schedule. but summer ho! and i will be a wonderful employee. i swear to you all.) and i'm going to write my paragraph AND my thesis statement.
i've even read the chapter for class today.

and suddenly.
it's not such a horrible day.
it's not a great day.
but.

well.
i was complaining.
jason told me to try to have a great day.
that if i expected it to be a bad day, it would be. but if i went out and tried to make the most of it it could be an ok day.
that's not the lesson i learned. sorry, jas.
i played jason (yes, please DO notice the irony) and expected the worst. i was smarter than everyone. i knew that i was tired, hugry, unprepared and going to be late (at least for something) i knew how those things would end up making me feel and so i knew that there was no way today could turn out to be ok.
i wasn't reveling in it, i was just being realistic.
i had to be in class at 8:30 this morning.
i won't get home tonight until 9.
if i'm lucky i might get one of my sister's habitual institute donuts. and if i make it to work i can see if reheating can save this leftover pizza slice.
(that's actually REALLY good for eating on a tuesday. especially if you consider i grabbed birthday chocolates out of my car and ate them in class)
i knew my stressors were self-inflicted and was "humbly" willing to just accept my bad day and hold on for tomorrow.

the thing is. sometimes things work differently than you expect. even if your expectations are well-reasoned, realistic and based on considerable experience.
this is sounding super cheeseball and touching moments (but in my defense, if mr. and mrs. cool and anti-cheese "solids and stripes only, thank you" can have a baby and start writing letters as if they were him... creative, yes. but cheesy. i'm sorry. it just is. not all cheese is bad. but cheese is cheese, kids.) and i apologize.
but
it's not that i always lack faith.
just lately i haven't really been exercising it.
it's easy to let things pass by and not recognize them for what they are.
very easy.
living is easy with eyes closed, right?
it's easy to be ungrateful and sometimes the lack of recognition can make life scary and unmanageable.

i just have to admit that me alone... nothing would've happened today.
not even one thing.
but certainly i wouldn't have taken the trash, thought to find lilli, thought to call lilli OR have been willing to pay for parking.

and i just have to say that.
because
i do.